


The Unskippable Prologue

by Mass_Effecting_Your_Pants



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:46:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mass_Effecting_Your_Pants/pseuds/Mass_Effecting_Your_Pants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Above the planet of Taris, a blond generic Republic guy with a stupid name runs down a hall toward the crew's quarters, and so begins a great story when he bursts unannounced in to a particular woman's room...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unskippable Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net under the following:-
> 
> Title: The Unskippable Prologue  
> Category: Games » Star Wars  
> Author: Malak's Mistress  
> Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
> Genre: Humor/Parody  
> Published: 12-14-06, Updated: 12-14-06  
> Chapters: 1, Words: 2,389

Nevar was thrown from her cot as the _Endar Spire_ bucked violently.

"Jumping Jiminy! What the..?"

She picked herself up and began dusting off the rather skimpy jumpsuit she wore, just as a blond generic Republic guy barged through her door.

"Quick! The Sith are-"

"What in the hell do you think you're doin'?" Nevar glared at the intruder angrily, hands on hips.

"I, er, the Sith-"

"What possessed you to think it was a good idea to burst in to my room, _without_ even knocking, screaming your head off? Did it occur to you that I might not be fully clothed?"

"Look, the Sith are…huh, fully clothed…oh, I, uh…oh," the generic blond guy finally realised that Nevar was wearing little more than enough.

He pointed to a footlocker in the corner of the room vaguely, his eyes practically glued to her chest. "Your clothes are in the booblocker… _foot_ … _foot_ locker, over there."

Nevar glared at the distracted soldier. "And _how_ do you know that?"

He managed to tear his gaze away from her chest, for a while anyway. "Huh? Oh, well this is my room too. Yeah, we work opposite shifts so-"

"Get real, pervoboy," Nevar interrupted, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "There's only one cot in here and one equipment locker. This is my room! What are you playin' at? Are you telling me that you've been sleeping in my bed?"

"What? No! Look this isn't in the script. You're supposed to…" the soldier trailed off as he dug through his pockets, finally pulling out a crumpled booklet.

Nevar stared at him stupidly. "Script? What are you talking about?"

Republic glanced up as he flicked through the pages quickly. "Will you hurry up and get dressed! We're supposed to be past that already."

Nevar scowled as she stalked to her locker and pulled out a jacket and slacks, muttering under her breath. Meanwhile, blond generic guy was also muttering.

" _Sith are attacking_ , did that. _I'm Trask_ , oh hey, you, uh, lady. My name's Trask. Okay done that now. _I've heard all about your_ …oh hey, you, uh, lady-"

"Nevar."

"Right, Rev-uh-Nevar. Are you a scout, scoundrel or soldier?"

"None, pervoboy," she stood in front of him, now dressed and armed, hands on hips again as she stared at Trask with an expression remarkably like loathing.

"What? No, you have to be."

"I'm none of them! I'm an Avon Lady."

"…Avon Lady?"

Nevar rolled her eyes. "Yes, Avon Lady. You know, 'Avon calling!' and I bring all my cosmetics and cleansers and all this other stuff you don't need but really want and you look through it, maybe try some, and I sell it to you-"

"Ah, now I understand," Trask's face cleared and he nodded. "You cheat people out of credits. That's all good, so you're a scoundrel."

"I do _not_ cheat-"

"It's okay, _Avon Lady_ ," Trask tapped his finger against his nose with a nod and a wink.

Nevar sighed and shrugged. "Whatever."

"Ok," Trask shoved his booklet back in to his jacket pocket. "I think we're pretty much done here. Let's go find Bastila!"

"Who's Bastila?"

"Never mind. You got a gun uh, I mean, _blaster_? Might want to get it ready," Trask kicked open the door unnecessarily and army rolled in to the corridor, pointing his blaster in every direction as he straightened up out of his roll.

"That might have been kind of impressive if it wasn't so utterly pointless," Nevar followed him out of her room in to the empty hallway.

"Never know who might be watching. Might get a better part next time."

"Riiiight," Nevar edged away from the soldier and began to watch him cautiously. "Have you thought about seeing a doctor?"

"Why? I'm not hurt. Let's keep going."

Nevar rolled her eyes again. It was going to turn in to a tic if she didn't get away from this guy soon. Before they could move, however, their personal comms bleeped.

"This is Carth Onasi. The Sith are threatening to overrun the ship! All hands to the Bridge!"

"That was Carth Onasi on our communicators."

Nevar felt her eye twitch and her hand was resting on the hilt of her holstered vibroblade before she even realised. No one would know. The cameras were probably shorted out and there was no one else in sight. Anyone would figure Trask had been killed by the Sith.

"If he says things are bad than you better believe it. We should head to the Bridge."

Nevar clenched her hand to resist drawing her blade, not trusting herself to do much more than that. They met no resistance until they reached the door to the Bridge. Trask fiddled with the door panel to no avail.

"I don't have the clearance to open this, do you think you could try?"

"Sure," Nevar replied, stepping forward to inspect the door panel. "But if you can't do it, I really don't see how I…"

Nevar trailed off as she stared down at the access panel. It had two buttons: one was big and red, clearly labelled 'close', while the other was big and green, it too labelled. She stared at the panel a moment longer before taking a deep breath and counting to ten. When she reached ten, she continued to forty and still didn't feel at all calmer.

Trask stared at her anxiously. "So can you open it?"

Nevar slowly reached out and pressed the big, green 'open' button. Unsurprisingly, the door whooshed open. She turned to face Trask and blinked at him slowly, pulling out her blaster pistol. She was beginning to think it might be merciful to shoot the soldier on the spot right this very second. But he merely smiled widely at her.

"Wow, brilliant! I can see why the Republic recruited you!"

 _No, I can't kill him,_ Nevar thought to herself, _a complete banthabrain he may be, but I might need his help._ She laughed out loud at that thought, and Trask edged away from _her_ , smiling politely. They entered the Bridge but it was silent, and empty of Republic soldiers that weren't riddled with holes.

"Oh, man," Trask muttered worriedly. "We are running _so_ late."

Nevar decided to ignore him, as was proving to be the smartest option if she didn't want to blast him in the head.

"Well, I don't see Bastila or…ah blast it all. Let's just get to the escape pods," Trask began to dash to the other side of the Bridge, Nevar hot on his heels.

"That's the most sense you've made since I met you, pervoboy."

They had barely left the Bridge when Nevar's communicator bleeped.

"I'm tracking your personal communicator through the life support systems. You're the last surviving member of-"

"What are you taking about? I still have this idiot with me," Nevar thrust her comm in to Trask's face so the Commander could see who she was referring to.

"Huh? Trask what in the galaxy are you doing? You're supposed to be dead!"

"Glad I'm not the only one who thinks so," Nevar muttered under her breath.

"I know, sir! We're working on it!" Trask wailed.

Nevar stared at him in shock. "Wait, you _want_ to die? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

She unsheathed her vibroblade and advanced on to the most annoying person she had ever had the misfortune of meeting. But Carth's voice interrupted impatiently.

"You don't have to worry about it, Rev-uh-Nevar. We already have something prepared."

"It's not a problem, sir. I'd be happy to, really."

"Look, it's not that I don't want you to," Carth sighed exasperatedly. "It just took us ages to convince Bandon to make an appearance this early in the screening, and we don't want to waste it."

"Darth Bandon's going to kill me?" Trask squealed remarkably like a girl. "That is totally cool!"

"Whatever, just hurry it up kids, you're like ten minutes behind schedule," Carth cut the connection, his irritation evident.

"Oh wow, this is so awesome!" Trask was smoothing his hair down. "This is going to be my big moment."

Even Nevar was a tad excited, though for different reasons. "Hell yeah, let's go get you killed!"

They raced through the halls of the _Endar Spire_ until they reached a small room with two other exits. One of the doors burst open and a tall, bald Dark Jedi emerged, his red lightsaber ignited.

"This is it," Trask puffed out his chest and smoothed his hair one last time. "My moment."

He turned to Nevar, who was staring at the Dark Jedi with interest, more so when he winked at her with a leer, miming for her to call him.

"You get to the escape pods," Trask threw out his chest again. "I'll hold him off!"

He ran toward the Sith, vibroblade drawn, smashing his hand in to the door control to lock it behind him.

"Wait!" Nevar screamed as she ran after Trask, pummelling the locked door with her fists. "After all that, I don't even get to watch?"

She kicked the door angrily before turning to leave. "What a copout."

Her comm beeped again at that moment and she flicked it on.

"Is he gone?" Carth asked hopefully.

"Yep, locked the door behind him and everything."

"Thank the Force," Carth mirrored Nevar's relief at losing the soldier. "Er, I mean, that's sad, really dreadful, don't know how I'll go on. In the meantime, you better get to the pods. I don't think there'll be many Sith in your way, you took so long they probably went home. I'll be waiting for you, conveniently with the last pod. I'm pretty cool now but, even though I save your life, be prepared for weeks of angst when I discover who you really are."

"Uh, Righto sir. See you soon."

Indeed, Nevar didn't meet any Sith and it was all rather boring until she reached the door to the room that separated her from the escape pods. She was about to enter when Carth contacted her again.

"Listen, I managed to convince five guys to stay so you would have something to do. They're waiting in the room before the escape pods."

"Nice! Thanks, sir!"

"No worries. I'll leave you to it."

Nevar quickly scanned the room she was in, and spotted a rusty immobile droid in the corner. She ignored it and moved to inspect a computer terminal next to it.

LOG IN:

NAME?

She thought for a moment before smiling.

TRASK.

ACCEPTED.

PASSWORD?

"Damn. Hmmm."

BREASTS.

DENIED.

BOOBS.

ACCEPTED.

"No way! I was totally joking."

MAIN MENU:

SECURITY FUNCTIONS

COMPUTER HACKING TUTORIAL

LOG OUT

"Computer hacking tutorial? You have got to be kidding. No wonder the Republic is losing the war," she clicked on the Security Functions option.

SECURITY CAMERA

SECURITY COMMANDS

MAIN MENU

LOG OUT

Nevar selected the camera command and a flickering image filled the screen, displaying five Sith standing around with bored expressions. As she wondered how to proceed, the image disappeared and she stared at the Security Functions menu once more.

"I wonder…" she clicked on Security Commands.

GAS ROOM

OVERLOAD POWER CONDUIT

ENGULF ROOM WITH FLAMES

RELEASE ACID

DROP TEMPERATURE TO SUBZERO

REMOVE OXYGEN

FILL ROOM WITH BOILING WATER

RELEASE MAN-EATING GIZKA

MAIN MENU

LOG OUT

"Huh, once again, you have got to be kidding me. Oh well."

RELEASE MAN-EATING GIZKA

"Hehehe."

SWITCHING TO CAMERA

"Aw, look at the cute little AAAAHHHHHH!"

Within seconds it was safe to enter, and Nevar opened the door to see nothing but a gizka, cooing in the middle of the room. It bounced over to her, rubbing its head against her leg affectionately.

"Aw, aren't you sweet."

She bent down and picked it up, scratching it as it cooed.

"Ah, so you really are only a _man_ -eating gizka, hey. Well I can't keep you. See if you can find Trask, and finish him off if he isn't dead, eh."

She released the gizka, and it hopped down the hallway obediently.

"Finally!" Carth poked his around the door, glancing around the room with a faintly puzzled expression. "Er, where are the Sith?"

"Gone," Nevar replied simply with a grin.

"Uh, okay. Well we better go too, the plot isn't going to move along if we stand around yappin'."

Nevar followed Carth to the last escape pod, staring inside it with a frown. "How many are these supposed to fit in them?"

"Three or four usually, why?"

"This looks like it only fits one."

"Huh?" Carth squinted in to the pod beside Nevar, and saw that she was absolutely correct. "The developers have messed up already? I didn't think that was supposed to happen until Obsidian took over. Oh, well, it looks like we'll have to-"

Without warning, Carth shoved Nevar aside and jumped in to the pod, quickly strapping himself in and attempted to bash the release button, but it was out of his reach since he was belted in.

"Hey!" Nevar yelled, but her fear of being left behind subsided when it appeared that the pod wasn't going anywhere.

Carth looked up at her, visibly paling at her angry face. "I was just seeing if it was safe, you know. Can never be too sure with these things…hey, where are you going?"

Nevar had turned and was about to leave. "To find that gizka."

"Huh? Look, I'm sorry-"

"You're only sorry 'cos it didn't work!"

"Well…yeah, but you may as well squeeze in now, right? I don't want to completely mess up the plotline, you’re kind of the main character."

Nevar sighed angrily, but he did have a point. She climbed in to the small space left in the pod, making sure to elbow Carth in the face and knee him in the groin. Twisting to hit the release button, she _accidentally_ headbutted him in the nose.

"Ow! You could be a bit more careful!" he whined.

Nevar rolled her eyes as the pod left its berth, she hoped she wasn't going to be stuck with this guy for long.


End file.
